The president chided front-running Republican candidates today during an impromptu press conference.
“I mean, look,” he said, in response to questioning by veteran reporters, “If you study the astrological charts for the past century or so, it’s clear that the Uranus-Pluto square is going to bring us us into a decade or so of massive social and cultural upheaval. In fact, all indications are that these transformations are going to be so incredibly surprising and far-reaching, that we can’t even imagine how they will reconfigure the world we know.
“I have teams working on providing responses to various situations that could come into play. For instance, this is a square, not a conjunction like we had in the sixties. So we expect the enormous changes underway to be more difficult, a little rougher for folks. But where will those trouble spots be, and how can we help things go more smoothly? We have top-notch astrologers at the ready, feeding us contingency plans and alternative scenarios. And these are just some of the areas they’re working on. After all, we have the whole Pluto-in-Capricorn phenomenon that’s been sweeping through the world’s financial structures and institutions for the past couple of years, and that’s far from over at this point.”
He continued, offering mild jabs at the opposition.
“But I haven’t heard anything from the other side. In fact, these guys are doing the opposite—they’re not only not preparing for change—they’re trying to hold back change in every way, as much as possible. Unless it’s change for the one percent. They just want to pretend that everything is business as usual.”
When asked about the Republicans’ reliance on astrology, the president joked, “If they have astrologers on staff, they’re sure not talking about it.”
The president then moved on to discuss rewriting health care legislation if the Supreme Court strikes down any provision of the current law. “That’s a Mercury issue,” he said. “I don’t think we’ll have any trouble there.”
One reporter continued to question him more closely on his astrological prognostications.
“Now, c’mon, Helen, the president said. “You know I have my moon in Gemini; I change my mind every five minutes. That’s why I leave these kinds of things to the experts.”