The White House today announced another round of government firings. However, rather than targeting one department, agency or entity, they will now lay off employees across the entire range of government.
“We’ve found significant correlations,” announced a spokeswoman for the head of DOGE, “between people’s astrological sun sign and their performance on the job. Today we’re letting go of everyone, across the board, born under the signs of Libra, Scorpio, Capricorn, Aquarius, and Pisces for obvious and known characteristics conducive to DEI violations and government waste.” It was suggested that additional signs may be targeted next.
Few explanations were forthcoming. At a later press conference, the President declared, “I agree with Elon. People are saying, Libras, they think they’re too smart. Scorpios? Always the drama. I don’t know. Capricorns? Perverts. A lot of people are saying this. A lotta people.”
When pressed, he admitted that he’d been sued by an Aquarian civil rights organizer in the past.
He also declared that “some woman, a woman I never even met, a Sagittarius they say, sued me and was awarded a huge settlement. Huge. And I never even met her, can you believe that? People are saying it’s disgraceful. Disgraceful.” Apparently he was referring to E. Jean Carrol, who sued Donald Trump for defamation and battery in 2024. He was found guilty.
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