April 1, 2023
The former president released a surprise announcement early Saturday morning.
Astrologers speculate that this shocking development is just one harbinger of Pluto’s upcoming ingress into the socially conscious, justice-seeking sign of Aquarius.
“I made a deal,” the ex-president said today. “The art of the deal is my thing, right? I’m the best in the world at it, so I called up Fat Alvin and told him how it’s going to be. This way, everybody wins, especially me and Melania. It might not have been my first instinct—incidentally, I have excellent instincts–but my lawyers—some very smart people by the way—tell me that this will be the best for everyone, especially me. Fat Alvin knows I’m not guilty. So we fixed it. I plead guilty, which everybody knows I’m not, so who cares, right? And I get house arrest, and Mar-a-Lago, what a house, huh? The Phony Left-Wing Radical Witch Hunt disappears. The Fake News Media has to stop lying about me and those women. And here’s the thing. It’s just not fair to Melania to have these women—who I had nothing to do with, by the way—all these women, not my types at all, all over the Fake News Press all the time. You know what I mean, I just don’t want to put her through that, Melania. Melania, people say she’s a fine first lady. She’s doing a fine job. And she looks great too, doesn’t she? She looks great. And I think she’ll love having me at home more.”
The Manhattan District Attorney’s Office could not be reached for comment.
Daykeeper’s special staff contributes just one feature per year, every April.
Yay! Well done.
Thanks, Sara!