White House Stacked with Toilet Paper Rolls

A former White House janitorial worker, Benjamin Obrero, confirmed to reporters today that many rooms in the White House, including the Workout Room, Game Room, Music Room, and the famed Lincoln Bedroom, are stacked wall to wall and floor to ceiling with unused rolls of toilet paper.

The rooms’ status was discovered when one of the White House’s low-flush toilets, installed during the Bush Administration, overflowed. The overflow was apparently ignored for a significant period of time, and was belatedly discovered when staff unexpectedly found liquid seeping through ceilings into the now-unused formal State Dining Room.

Plumbers and cleaners called in to repair and clean up the mess were forced to sign nondisclosure agreements. Mr. Obrero, however, says that he hid in one of the empty bedrooms during the signing. 

“I couldn’t believe it,” he said of the bedrooms. “I mean, towers of TP taller than me! Those ceilings, are, like, three meters tall! He probably had to buy out about eight Costco stores to get that much! Some of it was ruined, though. The first bedroom I tried, the whole floor was just slime and plastic wrap—it smelled horrible and I didn’t even go in.”

Mr. Obrero’s attorney made an uncharacteristically astrological comment. “We have Mercury direct in Pisces right now,” he said. “Then we’ve got Mercury conjunct Neptune—water—tomorrow, so word is out about this problem, and Mr. Obrero, with Pisces rising, is the perfect vehicle for the information. Then you have Pluto with Jupiter amplifying this whole stinky mess and creating really big problems.” 

The President, uncharacteristically, had no comment. He had been heard to remark previously, however, that low-flow toilets required too many flushes—“…10 times, 15 times…. Not me of course, not me, but you. You.” 

“I guess he needs more TP than the rest of us,” Obrero said.

Staff

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