Republicans and Democrats were astonished to hear of the front-runner’s decision to drop out of the U.S. presidential race on Friday. The candidate delivered this brief statement before officially closing down his campaign.
“I mean, some people say Mercury retrograde is bad. Is it bad? I don’t know. But what I do know is that in order to make America great again, we’ve got to start paying attention. My wife—a very attractive woman, I might add—told me that Mercury retrograde would be the end of me. So I’ve decided to pay attention and listen to my wife, because after all, women really run things in this world, and if they don’t, they should. That’s why, if my wife wants me to do something, I do it. Do I believe in astrology? Maybe, maybe not. But I do believe in my wife, and if we all believed in our wives, daughters, sisters, mothers, and just let them get on with what they want to do—well, the world would be a better place, and America would be a lot greater than it is. Thank you.”